


Suicidal Misunderstandings

by nevertheless_turtle



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, character is not actual suicidal, there are space wizard shenanigans afoot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29728164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevertheless_turtle/pseuds/nevertheless_turtle
Summary: Obi-Wan scarcely a few years into his desert exile is (quite unexpectedly) thrown back in time to the height of the Clone Wars. This is in fact so unexpected that he reasonably (if incorrectly) assumes he is experiencing a spice-induced hallucination. After enjoying spending time with his lost loved ones, he decides he really needs to wake up before he dies of dehydration. When intense meditation fails, he tries to break the illusion through more...EXTREME measures (check the tags). Panic from all parties ensues.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 139
Kudos: 724





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Far enough into posting this story on nevertheless-moving.tumblr.com that I decided to take the plunge into AO3. You can confidently expect weekly updates here for the next...10 weeks or so. After that, who knows! (It's probably fine, I've got pretty much the whole story outlined, but this is my second ever fanfic so I'm still consistently surprised by how much I'm churning out and don't want abandonment issues if the pace drops off thank you for your patience) Will be slightly editing from the version there, but the overall story will stay the same if you want to read ahead.
> 
> Codywan is background more than anything, this fic revolves more generally around Obi-Wan's relationships, and the sheer dramatic potential of poorly timed time travel. Also angst.

Ben sat in his lonely hovel, anxiously waiting for the spice to kick in. Should he take more? He had been rather too embarrassed to ask whether he was supposed to smoke or snort the substance...

Oh wait, there we go, he was beginning to feel... _odd_...a little...relaxed...he could see his body! _oh he did not look so good at the moment did he..._

he could see, He could SEE the 

**I N S I D E O F T I M E**

**\- - -**

Cody had just started to enjoy his _extremely_ rare 'off-duty' time with Ghost Company when the General abruptly passed out four drinks in. He woke almost immediately, looking around wildly. 

"Sir? Sir are you alright?" Cody asked, concerned.

"I'm...not sure. This is all...this is much more _vivid_ than I was expecting. Am I dead?"

General Kenobi suddenly grew worried. "You're not dead, right Cody? I- Oh dear, maybe this was a mistake..."

He spun in a circle, staggering. 

"Is this _Coruscant?_ How strange..."

Cody exchanged an alarmed glance with Waxer, standing next to him.

"I'll get him to the Speedervan- you get Hotfoot" he ordered. Waxer nodded, slipping to the side.

They were nearly at the van when Obi-Wan stopped mumbling under his breath and turned to speak clearly to Cody. "I don't blame you for trying to kill me, you know."

Cody stumbled and Waxer made an alarmed noise. 

"Sir!" Cody tried to protest, but Obi-Wan cut him off with a finger pressed to Cody's lips.

"I mean it!" he said, as they clambered together into backseat. 

"I'm just happy to see you all!"

"We're happy to see you too, General." Waxer replied dutifully, activating the protective forcefield for the backseat.

Hotfoot pulled into the air and began the harrowing task of navigating numerous levels directly upwards to the temple. Fortunately, the General's clearance allowed them access to priority lanes, but if the Jedi kept up like this it was going to be a _very_ long journey.

“Truly Cody, I know you would never fire at me if you were you, I think Palpatine must have been controlling your minds somehow. I swear, I’ll- I’ll try and find you - I - I’m so sorry,” he said leaning into Cody’s space, starting out earnestly and becoming increasingly unsettlingly intense.

“Sir?” Cody responded nervously, but Obi-Wan was distracted by the view out the hovercar’s window.

“Are you taking me to the temple?” he asked hollowly. 

"Yes sir, I think you’ve had a few too many drinks, you’re- to be blunt, you’re not making any sense and its a bit alarming. I think it would be best if you slept things off in your personal quarters for a bit,” the commander answered tensely.

Obi Wan was quiet for several minutes, growing increasingly subdued the higher they travelled. 

“Will he be there? Will- will- Anakin be there?” he finally asked.

“I believe the 501st is still on leave as well. I can comm him if you wish?” slightly relieved at the prospect of passing whatever the kriff was going on with his General to someone with more specialized intel on the subject.

Obi-Wan grew quiet again. “Yes,” he whispered suddenly. “I want to see him, force help me, I still want to see him. I- I _mis_ s him,” and at that, to everyones horror, he began tearing up.

Cody fumbled to activate his comm. “Commander Cody to General Skywalker. General Skywalker, I am requesting immediate response. I repeat, Commander CC-2224 to General Skywalker, I am requesting-”

“This had better be life-or-death Cody. I’m on leave. You’re on leave. Why are we contacting me and not Obi-Wan?” General Skywalker whined over the audio channel.

“It’s about General Kenobi, sir”

“Is he injured?” General Skywalker responded sharply, suddenly laser focused.

“He’s- he’s crying sir.” And he was. The sound of General Skywalker’s voice had turned the trickle of tears into full blown sobs. He was clinging to Waxer, who looked like he was about to have a panic attack.

“He’s _what_ ”

“He’s crying, and he said he missed you. Please tell me you’re at the temple, sir” Cody all but begged.

“Is this supposed be a practical joke?” Skywalker responded annoyed. “Did Rex put you up this?”

“This is not a joke. He blacked out in the bar, started rambling about forgiving us for trying to kill him, and now he’s crying” For additional proof he held out the comm to General Kenobi, who just continued to sob incoherently.

“Is he drugged?” Skywalker responded. There was the sound of rapid shuffling in the background, hopefully him moving to meet them at the temple gates.

“Unknown, sir. I only saw him consume alcohol, but not enough to fully account for his…altered state” 

“Are you recording him?” Skywalker’s voice was muffled by…the sound of traffic? Dank farrik, was he not at the temple?

“Am I _what_ ” the commander responded indignantly. 

“Kidding!” Anakin quickly shot back. “Anyway I’m 5 minutes out from the temple, you?

He quickly conferred with Hotfoot, dutiful designated driver and, based on his white knuckles, focused with mission-level intensity on the singular goal of navigating traffic. 

“We’ll arrive at the secondary temple gate in 10. Any orders on how to… mitigate the situation?” A quick glance at Kenobi revealed that Waxer had proceeded to patting him on the back like an overwhelmed cadet. It was unclear whether it was helping or not.

“Oh, I have no idea,” Anakin answered, overly gleeful “I can’t even _remember_ the last time he cried. And his alcohol tolerance is unfairly ridiculous so I have no idea if this is normal for him when he’s drunk!”

With that piece of unhelpful intel the vehicle lapsed mostly into silence, broken only by the sound of Kenobi’s hiccuping sobs. 

Anakin called to confirm he was waiting in the top entry bay at the secondary temple gates. He paused for a moment, empty static coming over the comm. “Did he really say he missed me?” 

Cody closed his eyes for a moment. He was not designed to deal with this dammit. He just wanted to go drinking with his- his fellow officer and maybe see the man he- he _respected_ relax a little. He knew the Jedi were stressed by the war but if this is what a Jedi dealing with feelings looked like then -then _forcedammit_ this is what a Jedi relaxing looked like!

They should be _honored_ that the Generals trusted them enough to let their guard down. Clearly Obi-Wan needed his younger vod’s support beyond what he had realized. He should have known, considering they were, in a way, a squad of two for over a _decade_. He would have to do his best to support Obi-Wan now the best he could.

“Yes sir. When he realized we were bringing him back to the temple he asked if you would be there. I offered to comm you, he confirmed audibly that he wanted to see you, and that he missed you. Thats- that’s when the crying began. We made contact immediately after.”

“Oh.” Skywalker left the channel open between them. Cody could distantly hear the sound of pacing on the other end.

Obi-Wan was staring at the commlink in Cody’s bracer with an unreadable expression. He swallowed a few times, and, hand shaking visibly, reached out to pull Cody’s wrist close. “Anakin? Is that Anakin? My Anakin?” Obi-wan’s voice shook along with the rest of his body.

“ _Your_ Anakin huh?” came the response, in a reflexively teasing tone. “What happened the ‘dangers of possessiveness and attachment’ you’re always lecturing me on?"

Obi-wan responded, to Waxer and Cody’s mixed emotions, by shifting bodily over to Cody, clinging onto his arm for dear life and bending over to press his forehead to the comm unit, letting out a keening sob.

“Um, Master? Was that you?” Anakin squeaked out with characteristic helpfulness.

“I don’t want to see the temple burning” Obi-Wan rasped into Cody’s bracer, “I want to see you but I don’t want to see the bodies in the temple, not again, please Anakin I don’t want to look at them again. Anakin I just want to see you not- not- not-” and it was almost a relief when the chilling words broke down into dry sobs. Cody attempted to platonically pat him on the back with his free arm, but considering how he was clinging to Cody’s comm unit, it turned into an awkward full body hug that Obi-Wan absolutely melted into.

“Oh kriff, did you have a vision, Master? Is that what this is about? The temple’s fine, I’ll show you when you get here, there’s no bodies here, I _promise_.”

Obi-Wan just shook, curling up halfway onto Cody’s lap.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time the hovercar reached the temple, Obi-Wan’s tremors had mostly quieted. He seemed to be dealing with everything by refusing to open his eyes. Cody awkwardly manhandled his General out the vehicle door, mostly succeeding in standing him upright.

Obi-Wan didn’t really resist. He appeared to lack the energy.

“Master?”

As Skywalker approached, Cody absently noticed that his robes were tied overly modestly, with _no_ other layers peeking out underneath. Wherever he was before Cody called, he had left half-dressed and in a hurry.

Obi-Wan started shaking again, burying his face in Cody’s pauldron.

“Yeesh- you’re really a wreck,” Anakin observed bluntly, with a twinge of audible sympathy. “Honestly, you’re taking all the fun out of the situation. What’s the point of getting drunk if you act so pathetic that your smug padawan can’t even mock you afterwards?” The young Knight hesitantly laid a hand on his master’s shoulder.

It was uncertain whether it was the words or the touch that succeeding in garnering a positive response, but finally Kenobi made an effort to pull himself together. With a deep breath, the High General straightened up, opening his eyes to look Skywalker in the face. He continued to hold eye-contact, expression gradually shifting from steely resolve to open delight.

“ANAKIN!” Obi-Wan flung himself at his former padawan with obvious joy. “OH ANAKIN! IT’S YOU! IT’S REALLY YOU!” They staggered under the force of Obi-Wan’s over-powered bear hug.

“Were you expecting someone else?” Anakin managed to get out, shocked by his Master’s uncharacteristically loud (not to mention _emotionally intense)_ greeting, as well as slightly breathless from the unyielding embrace. Obi-Wan held him tighter, not answering. 

“Man, what did you _drink_?” He tried to ask instead, deciding to return the hug fully and deal with any later consequences later.

Obi-Wan shifted back enough to make eye-contact again. His brow furrowed in thought. “Just some Jawa beer, to get rid of the spice aftertaste.”

“SPICE?!?” Cody and Anakin shouted in alarm. Anakin grabbed at Obi-Wan’s face, examining the man’s pupils before pulling back his lip to look at the gums. “You don’t _look_ like you’re mined out. And the only thing you smell like is alcohol.” He sniffed doubtfully. “Middle shelf alcohol. “Are you _sure_ that’s what you took?”

Obi-Wan paused to think before answering, “The Jawas that sold it seemed pretty confident. I would be more likely to entertain the possibility that I was ripped off were you not standing here, with me.”

“I- W-where- When would you have even bought spice from _Jawas_?” Anakin asked, exchanging confused looks with Commander Cody. 

“They seem to like stopping by my hut, even when I don’t have anything to steal or buy. I suppose there’s not many opportunities for sentient contact out on in the wastes,” He mused.

Anakin only looked more bewildered, reasonably confident that he would have known if Obi-Wan had a house on what sounded like _Tatooine._

“Heart rate was slightly elevated to normal on the ride over, sir.” Cody added dutifully. “Well within average human normal, and not consistent with spice use _or_ alcohol poisoning.”

“His presence in the force is…closed off,” Anakin said, while patting Obi-Wan's back soothingly. “I’d have to take him to the healers to confirm, but my best guess is he’s having a bad reaction to something he drank. There are certain alcohols that can cause side-effects and unexpected reactions in force-sensitives. Though I can’t believe that after all the lectures he’s given _me_ , he would be stupid enough to drink one.”

“He…did have an unknown mixed drink a bartender gave him on the house,” Cody said with a sinking sense of failure. “Could this have been a targeted attack?”

Skywalker looked pissed, “If it was, then that bartender committed an act of _treason_.” Only the fact that he was supporting Ob-Wan’s weight (in what was rapidly approaching the second-longest hug they had ever shared!) kept him from taking command of a battalion to sieze a cantina at the very suggestion.

“Sir, do you want me to accompany you to medical and make a report?” Cody asked.

Anakin hesitated, thinking while Obi-Wan rested his head against his former padawan’s heart. As amusing as the idea was in theory, he didn’t actually want to humiliate a vulnerable, emotional Obi-Wan by dragging him through the heart of the temple to be gawked at and judged.

“No.” He finally decided, “Even if he somehow managed to miss the fact that he was being poisoned in a civilian bar, he’s more than capable of processing toxins on his own, and I’m more than capable of monitoring him overnight. We’ve got a full field med-kit in our quarters- I can take a blood sample tonight, and ask him what he wants to do with it once he sobers up in the morning.”

Obi-Wan readjusted slightly as Anakin shrugged, “It is also possible that he just, you know, overdid it drinking, which isn’t anyone’s business but his own. I mean, he hasn’t exactly had the opportunity to cut loose when he’s a High Council Member all the time; his tolerance might not have been where he was expecting.”

Cody saluted in acknowledgement of the command decision. He ruthlessly quashed any doubts, reminding himself that General Kenobi had, in fact, asked for General Skywalker by name, and Skywalker was likely to better informed on Jedi responses to alcohol. 

“Master, let’s get you to our quarters so you can sleep this off,” Anakin reluctantly pulled back from was now officially the longest hug Obi-Wan had ever given him (by over a minute!). “Can you walk by yourself, or do you want me to help?”

The unusually peaceful smile Obi-Wan was wearing started to slide away. “Our quarters? Our quarters were destroyed. There’s nothing to find there now but ash,” he stated, as if gently reminding Anakin of a known tragedy.

Cody, still standing by, sucked in a breath.

“Besides,” he continued mater of factly, “You were barely ever in them at this point anyway. Even for a dream, it would be a lot more realistic for me to go to my quarters and sit in the dark trying to memorize casualty lists, while you’re out somewhere unknown, carousing with Padme presumably.”

“Carousing with Padme?! I - why would you- _Master!”_ Anakin fumbled out, addressing the last point first before processing the rest.

“And is that seriously what you do when you have time off? Just sit and memorize the names of everyone who died during the war? That’s - that’s seriously sad Obi-Wan, we are talking about that when you sober up.” Not giving Obi-Wan the chance to defend his extremely miserable hobby, Anakin plowed on. 

“And our quarters are fine, I know that- uh- I know I haven’t been around a lot, but I was just in there earlier today, they look practically the same as they did when I was a padawan. Whatever you saw, here and now - I promise you - _here and now_ the temple is fine. We’ll talk about your vision or your hallucination once you sober up, I _promise.”_ Anakin finished emphatically, gripping Obi-Wans shoulders and staring directly into his eyes.

The miniature rant seemed to work. 

“That sounds nice,” Obi-Wan said smiling, “I would love to see our old rooms- I know it didn’t really matter either way to you, but I always took comfort in the fact that you never bothered with requesting a new room after you were knighted. I know, I know. Between how rarely we were temple based and Padme, it probably just didn’t cross your mind, but it was nice to have some tangible reminder of our connection, even as the war and the growing darkness stole everything else.”

Anakin truly didn’t know how to respond, the raw sentiment somehow even more crushingly painful than the hug. Obi-Wan reached up and gently smoothed back his hair like he was still a youngling, then walked a few steps to face the extremely out-of-depth Commander Cody.

Not hesitating, Obi-Wan pulled Cody into a tender hug which he couldn’t help but lean into. The commander brought his arms up and around but hesitated to actually make contact, instead ghosting his hands along the general’s back.

“I always wanted to do that,” Obi-Wan whispered into Cody’s ear. “I can never thank you enough for all you’ve done; I never would have gotten through the war without you. I wish…I wish I could tell you that I consider you one of the best of men, and one of the best of friends. But… I can’t. Even if I abandoned my last mission to search you out, even if I succeeded in finding you, you would never allow me close enough to do this.”

Cody’s heart raced, trying to decode the General’s words over the ringing white noise in his ears. He stoped breathing entirely as Obi-Wan shifted to press their foreheads together, allowing him to focus entirely on the feel of the general’s breath, the sight of tears trickling again from red-rimmed eyes. “Goodbye, Cody.” he finally exhaled.

And with that he turned and walked away, not looking back.


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as he turned the bend, Obi-Wan staggered to a halt, clinging to a wall sconce for support.

“Do you need me to carry you?” Anakin teased.

Obi-Wan thought for a moment. “Actually, that sounds quite lovely.”

“I- wait, really?”

“You _did_ offer. It’s been years since I had anyone care enough to carry me when I’m struggling, and I can’t imagine anyone will ever care enough to carry me again. So. Yes. That sounds nice. But if you’re planning on, I don’t know, dissolving into a pile of sand, or melting into a pool of lava, then I’d just as soon walk.” Obi-Wan smiled weakly at Anakin’s wide-eyed shock.

“Walking it iii-” Obi-Wan had scarcely turned away, accepting the limitations of this daydream, when Anakin scooped him up defiantly and began marching quickstep to their quarters.

“I’ve carried you before.” Anakin said stiffly. “On Aargonar, remember?

“Aargonar…force, that was the back in the first year of the war, wasn’t it? I can’t say I remember you- or I suppose Anakin- ugh- can I just call you Anakin?”

“...Yes master, you can call me Anakin.”

“I don’t remember you carrying me on Aargonar, but so much has happened since then. I suppose the memory might have been buried.” Obi-Wan mused.

“You were unconscious for most of it.”

“Ah. That _would_ do it.”

“And it wasn’t that long ago.”

“No.” Obi-Wan replied quietly. “I suppose it wasn’t.”

“Obi-Wan- what did you mean before…about… _you know_.”

Obi-Wan blinked, staring up into Anakin’s (thankfully) blue eyes. “What do you mean what did I mean?”

Anakin made a low frustrated noise, then ducked down a side passageway at the sound of footsteps.

“Where are you taking me?” Obi-Wan asked curiously.

“To our quarters- I’m just taking a roundabout way. I _assumed_ you wouldn’t want anyone to see me carrying you, but correct me if I’m wrong, Master.”

“Oh. That’s- I guess I wouldn’t? It’s a bit of an odd situation but I suppose depending on who we ran into… yes I could see that being awkward.” Anakin’s former Master sighed heavily.

“Obi-Wan, what did you mean that you didn’t have anyone who cared about you enough to carry you?” Anakin asked in a rush of words, attempt to frame the question casually failing before it had begun.

Obi-Wan closed his eyes. “That’s not a very nice question,” he choked out. “I thought you were being _nice_.”

“I am being nice!” Anakin replied quickly, biting back panic. “I’m carrying you! I- I care about you! Obviously!”

Obi-Wan made a soft, sad noise.

Anakin stopped in place, voice growing suspicious and angry. “I swear to the force if this was some sort of attempt to trick me into admitting _attachments-_ you- I- I’m going to drop you on the concrete and-“

“You hate me!”

The words burst painfully out of Obi-Wan, cutting them both to the quick.

“I- _what_. Obi-Wan, I- _how can you think_ that.”

“You told me! You _yelled_ it at me.”

Anakin stared down slack-jawed at his Master, who he had _never_ seen look so upset, his tired eyes scrunched shut. Anakin's hands clenched convulsively around one of the few people he genuinely loved. He leaned against the wall, his mind racing backwards furiously.

He had been…13? 13 and a half? Obi-Wan had been furiously lecturing him over- _something._ Something that really wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t even remember. A broken practice droid? A fight with Ferus? And he had yelled…a lot of things. Just trying to shatter his _Master’s_ stupid neutral expression. And…he had succeeded. For a moment, Obi-Wan looked…really upset. Then Anakin ran off, feeling guilty. They didn’t talk for the day. Then they just sort of- moved on. Like they always did when they fought. Like they always did when one of them hurt the other. He had _thought_ Obi-Wan had been upset by Anakin bringing up Qui-Gon, but for him to still remember all this years later…

“I- I didn’t mean it” Anakin whispered. “I- Obi-Wan, look at me, please.”

Obi-Wan stared up, slightly wet eyes wrinkled fearfully.

“Master…I was angry. I didn’t _mean_ it. I could _never_ mean it. You’re- you’re too important. I’m _sorry._ Of course I care about you. You’re- You’re my,” Anakin hesitated, not wanting to go too far, even now. “You’re my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend, too.” Obi-Wan said, smiling sadly. “I’m sorry I never told you that but- you’re my best friend in the whole galaxy. Even if you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” Anakin repeated helplessly. “I didn’t mean it.”

Obi-Wan sighed. “You should probably keep walking. I feel a little dizzy and your metal arm actually makes this a bit uncomfortable.”

Anakin continued forward. “Is there…anything else your sorry you never told me?” He asked hesitantly, a bit scared but not really capable of letting the opportunity simply slide by.

“Oh, so many things,” Obi-Wan groaned. “I suppose I should say them now, shouldn’t I?”

“If you want.” Anakin said nervously.

“Well for a start, I’m sorry about giving you that dreadful old-fashioned haircut right before the parade on Naboo. It really wasn’t strictly necessary, but you seemed so _excited_ at looking like a ‘real’ jedi padawan…”

Anakin snorted. “I made that haircut look good, come on. If nothing else, our lineage is single-handedly responsible for bringing it back in style, and I for one, am proud of that.”

Obi-Wan laughed.

“I always knew about you and Padme.”

Anakin stumbled but quickly resumed his stride.

“You- you do?” Anakin stuttered.

“Well _not_ everything, but for Kriff’s sake you practically made out right next to me on Genosis. And you’re not the most subtle, in general.”

“Why didn’t you ever _say_ anything.”

“I suppose I was hoping you’d come to _me_ first. Maybe I was a little scared if I confronted the situation, you’d leave the order, leave _me_. I don’t know.” Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes. “It hardly matters.”

“And you’re not mad? About…attachment and ‘carousing’ and…stuff?”

“I’m not exactly a shining role model for attachment. And ‘stuff’ isn’t actually against the Jedi code. Though for force sake I suppose I should have sat you down and done a refresher ‘safe sex’ talk, _honestly_ Anakin.”

The young knight blushed crimson and Obi-Wan grinned. “See? That right there. I can’t believe I pointlessly missed out on so many _teasing_ opportunities. I- nothing I say about it really matters but... I know I fretted over you… I think, ultimately, I just wanted you to be _happy_. I never knew how to _say_ that and it all just feels so _stupid_ now.”

Anakin smiled, almost overwhelmed with relief and amazed joy, but Obi-Wan… looked upset. _Really_ upset.

Anakin cleared his throat. “We’re at our quarters.”

“Oh!” Obi-Wan squirmed out of his padawan’s arms, gently touching the nameplate. “It looks just like I remembered.”

He rushed inside and turned in a slow circle. “Oh. Oh _my._ ” His eyes were brimming with tears. “I _really_ missed this place.”

“…I’m going to take a blood sample now, ok Master? It’s probably fine but- just in case. We can deal with things after you get some sleep.”

Anakin hustled his very distractible best friend _(in the whole galaxy!)_ through drinking water and getting ready for bed.

“Anakin-” Obi-Wan called out as he turned to leave.

“Yes, Master?”

“One more thing before I go to sleep-”

Obi-Wan pulled the _very_ vivid hallucination in for a warm hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t hug you more. There were times I wanted to so badly- you were so _small._ But Qui-Gon only ever hugged me if I was about to die, but maybe that’s just because I can’t imagine Dooku every hugging him, and maybe its Yoda’s fault for being _so_ unattached. Anyway. I regret not doing it more. Just for no reason. Maybe its silly, but the more time I've been spending by myself, the more I've thought about it.”

Anakin fisted his hands into Obi-Wan’s robes, feeling- safe. Like a little kid again, before he realized his Mom couldn’t really protect him. Or before Obi-Wan seemed to drift away.

They stood there for a long while, Anakin at a loss for words.

“I miss you.” Obi-Wan whispered.

Anakin just squeezed harder, trying to put all his feelings into a form his surrogate father and best friend _might_ be willing to accept.


	4. Chapter 4

Cody stood frozen as the generals disappeared around the corner. Waxer, in his first verbalization since Obi-Wan had begun his melt down, let out a obnoxious, whistling cat call. Cody spun around to glare at him.

_“Seriously?”_

Waxer put his hands up defensively. “What? Relax- so the General got drunk and lost grip on the stick up his ass. We have to be serious about it? I admit, I was freaked out by the way he was talking on the ride over. But, honestly, which of us haven’t had messed-up nightmares about the war? Isn’t that why we were getting drunk in the first place? We’re not going to actually hold anything that made him all sad against him, right?”

“What? Of course not! That’s not what I-”

Hotfoot cut Cody off indignantly, “Of course not!”

Waxer plowed ahead, not giving Cody time to marshal his defenses, “And quite frankly, I’m delighted to have been in the room when he hugged his vod’ika while finally verbally expressing an actual emotion towards him. Maybe now that that’s out there they won’t feel the need to show their feelings by pulling insane rescue attempts.”

“Dare to dream,” Hotfoot sighed.

“But what I’m really excited to be a witness to, not to mention what Boil and the ranks are going to be pissed they missed-”

“Yeah we should probably get back to the cantina and pick everyone up.”

“-is the General giving our very own, poor, besotted Commander Cody a kriffing _Keldabe,_ while whispering sweet nothings in his ear.” Waxer finished with satisfaction.

“Gotta say, not where I thought this night was going when the General was crying earlier, but _I_ think, on the whole, we can agree it was all totally worth it,” Hotfoot mused.

"Absolutely." Waxer’s smile slid away as Cody’s irritation increased. “Come on, he kissed you! Why do you look so upset?”

Cody struggled for a moment before answering, “It wasn’t…he wasn’t whispering sweet nothings.”

“More terrifying nightmare ramblings?” Hotfoot sighed.

“Not- not exactly.” 

The two gently pulled him into the hovercar so they could sit down.

“Didn’t he say _anything_ good?” Waxer asked.

“It wasn’t _bad-_ the words would have actually been…nice. If they were phrased a little differently. And if he realized he was saying them to me.” Cody dropped his head into his hands. 

“Ohh, he said someone else’s name? That’s rough, buddy.” Waxer said with a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“No, I think…I think he thought I was a hallucination. He was saying ‘I wish I could tell you’ and stuff like that.”

There was a beat, and then the two started laughing. 

“For force sake,” Waxer said wheezing, “He admitted that he daydreamed about confessing to you and you’re _upset about it._ I’m trying to be supportive but you are not making it easy.”

The sick feeling in Cody’s gut kept getting worse, because that was what he had thought at first, but-

“He talked like he was making a dying confession,” Cody whispered, instantly killing the mood. “He thanked me like he was apologizing and then he told me goodbye.” 

The cab was quiet for a long pause.

“He really didn’t know what was going on,” Hotfoot offered hesitantly. “That’s definitely messed up, but when he wakes up in the morning and sees that things are ok-”

“Are things ok?” Cody asked. “Isn’t that why ‘we went drinking in the first place’, because things _aren’t_ good? What if he had a vision and he knows he’s going to die! Or what if- what if-” Cody couldn’t even finish the thought.

“It’s the General” Waxer interrupted confidently. “If he had some kind of Jedi-prediction-nightmare than we’ll just have to make sure it doesn’t happen. And he would _never_ abandon us on purpose.”

Hotfoot nodded in agreement and Cody took a deep breath. He was letting his thoughts spiral into something crazy. Waxer was right.

“Just- let me talk to him before you mention _any_ of this to the troops, ok? How we was acting, the stuff he said. Even the… _Keldabe._ ” Cody managed to say that last word without his face heating up _too_ badly.

Waxer looked like he was going to protest, but Hotfoot smacked him in the back of the head before he could get a word out. 

“We’ll run silent until you give the all clear,” he promised. Waxer eventually muttered an agreement.

They reclaimed their previous seats and finally pulled back into Coruscanti night traffic, Waxer starting to chatter inanely about what the guys might have been up to while they were gone.

Cody hesitated over his Comm before typing out a message to General Skywalker. 

‘Watch G. Kenobi’s 6 until he’s back with 212th. Uneasy with goodbye. Seemed to be subtly indicating potential danger, but message was garbled. Please keep me informed.’

It was well over two hours later when he received a reply. 

‘Roger. Hes asleep and I am keeping an eye on the situation. Ty for delivering him to temple.’

Slightly less uneasy, and confident that the Cantina was well monitored by several enthusiastic troopers (just in-case), Cody finally attempted some shuteye.

\- - -

Several klicks away, Obi-Wan lost the last battle of his war with unconsciousness, grip on his dutiful former padawan’s hand growing slack. Anakin kept careful watch over his Master’s breathing for several more minutes before pulling the blankets up gently and flicking the light off as he slipped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments!! I know I'm not responding to all of them but they mean so much to me, honestly.


	5. Chapter 5

Obi Wan woke with a dry mouth and a moderate headache. A fairly typical morning these days. 

He peered around his bedroom confused. Wasn’t he just with Cody? Shouldn’t he be on the Negotiator? No wait, the war was over, Cody tried to kill him, and the Negotiator was a part of the Imperial Armada, of course he wouldn’t be there. He closed his eyes, snuggling back under the covers. Before he could drift back to sleep, his sluggish mind processed that last thought. 

He BOLTED upright in bed. The temple had been _razed,_ his personal chambers scorched with particular thoroughness. Just being on Coruscant was an automatic death sentence. Faint tendrils of panic began to curl around his throat before he remembered his decision to give Spice a try. He had reasoned that he should probably find at least _one_ pleasure in his new life, instead of focusing incessantly on what was lost. 

So what if he lost a few brain cells? Good riddance. 

Obi-Wan had been a bit nervous, but this had ended up being his best decision in _years_. His goodbye to Cody had been painful, but deeply cathartic. Spice Hallucination Anakin didn’t scream like Nightmare Anakin, and the color of his eyes was perfect. Far better final memories to cling to than reality- a reminder of the good times. Comforted, he relaxed backwards in bed, pulling his blankets back around him.

He _LURCHED_ out of bed, covers tossed aside, movement a blur.

He was _still_ hallucinating?!? Spice shouldn’t last in the system this long! Method of consumption aside, it was a well-known fact that its exhaustive but **rapid** passage through the body was half what made it so addictive. If nothing else, his well-restedness and thirst indicated it had been _at least_ six hours. He looked frantically around the room, searching for some thread of unreality to pull at.

This…was not good. Hadn’t the subconscious manifestations of his friends mentioned drugs that interacted poorly with force users last night? He had dismissed it at the time but…

He clearly was stuck in some sort of drugged fantasy combined with force-enhanced memory recall. Kriff, he had to wake up in the real world before he died of an aneurysm. Or just dehydration.

He sat on the ‘temple floor’ to meditate. This could be tricky as he couldn’t risk lowering his outer shields to reach out to reality. It would be deeply embarrassing as well as profoundly horrifying if the Emperor managed to find him and, by extension, Luke because he got stuck on a _bad spice trip._

The door to his room clicked open quietly. 

“Oh! You’re awake. Sorry to come in without knocking, Master.” Anakin- as he remembered him from- from _before-_ smiled softly from the doorframe, the image even clearer than last night.

“You’re still here.” Obi-Wan remarked, dumbfounded but amazed.

Anakin rolled his eyes. “ _Obviously_. I’ve been trying to be quiet but I’ve been checking on you pretty much constantly to make sure you were still, you know, breathing. You were…pretty out of it last night and I would be a pretty bad ‘ _best friend in the whole galaxy’_ if I let you choke on your own vomit, right?” His blue-eyed Padawan explained with a grin.

Obi-Wan just stared. Oh this- this hurt. It was easier last night, when the whole fantasy had a kind of drunken blurriness. Sleeping and waking had brought sober clarity to the dream world. He could see the bags under Anakin’s eyes as well as the sheepish slouch of his shoulders as he instinctively ducked at the door frame. It was just so _real._

 _“_ Obi-Wan? Are you feeling ok? Are you still drunk?” Anakin asked concerned.

Obi-Wan shook his head. He hesitated, before deciding to just go along with the interaction. He didn’t want to risk ignoring this hallucination only for his subconscious to retaliate by throwing a less idylic scene at him. And besides, last night had been, all totaled, a huge relief- an unburdening of things left unsaid. This was probably the closest thing to therapy available to him these days, he might as well take advantage.

“I’m just…processing. Not to mention dealing with some mild dehydration.” He finally answered.

“Processing, huh? So does that mean you, uh, remember last night?” Anakin asked nervously.

“I do.” Obi-Wan smiled gently. As heart-wrenching as this was, it was also adorably sweet. Maybe it was worth it to push off waking for a little while. He could get some closure, maybe even work through some of the past to see where the two of them had gone wrong. It might even be helpful for Luke! Force willing, he would probably end up training Anakin’s son someday.

(the boy wouldn’t have many masters to choose from)

If this dream world could help him figure out specifically how he had failed as a Master, then he owed it to the galaxy to see it through. Satisfied, he resolved to let the fantasy play out. At least for a few more more hours. And…he had missed what Anakin had said. Wonderful start.

“I’m very sorry, Anakin would you mind repeating that? I was still a little distracted, but I promise, I’m focused on you now.”

Anakin shuffled nervously. “It’s nothing.”

Obi-Wan tried to project reassurance without actually projecting. “Please Anakin, I’d like to hear what you have to say. I know I wasn’t the most observant or approachable Master, and I’m sorry for that. But I have always cared about your thoughts and feelings.” It was a struggle and the words caught in his throat, but the raw burn of the apology was cleansing in an almost addictive way.

Anakin flushed. “Did you mean everything you said?” he asked nervously.

“I’d…rather not talk about seeing the destruction of the temple, seeing you… Maybe later…but please, I just don’t want to focus on it while I’m sitting here, looking at you,” Obi-Wan said quietly.

“That actually wasn’t what I was talking about,” Anakin responded quickly. “I mean, I do want to help you with that at some point, but I get not wanting to talk about visions, even if you know you probably should. Of course, if you do want to talk about that, that’s more important, but since you don’t we can talk about the other stuff you mentioned. I was more referring to, you know, us, and what you said about our friendship?” his voice got progressively higher the longer he rambled. 

Obi-Wan thought back. “Well some of it is a _little_ hazy, but overall yes. I…for a very long time I’ve considered you my best friend, and its not so easy for me to let go of my affections. I miss spending time with you; there are times I turn to say something and am still shocked you’re not there. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, with real words, how much I cared. I’m sorry I didn’t hug you as much as I wanted, looking back that was a nonsensical Jedi custom. It’s not in the code; it’s just an affectation of dignity. All things considered, the fact that you often snuck out to see Padme doesn’t really bother me.” He paused. “Was that everything?”

“Um.” Anakin shifted. “That pretty much covers everything worth remembering. I mean, you talked about some ancient history but all things considered... Obviously now that your sober you know I wasn’t ever _actually_ angry in an important way about random little kid stuff, right?”

Obi-Wan smiled slightly at the thought of that foolish haircut, a nearly-forgotten guilt. In the peace of this dream, the whole aching memory was once again painted rosy with gentle nostalgia. “Right.” He agreed out-loud.

“Yeah…” Anakin looked embarrassed, but happy. “I wasn’t sure if you were just saying that, you know, _best friend_ stuff because you were drugged, or really drunk or something.”

“No, I meant what I said. I suppose it just took something extreme for me to actually _say_ it instead of just thinking at you and assuming you would know. I must admit, it’s a little difficult for me to maintain this emotional honesty without actually feeling drunk, but I think it’s necessary. It’s good. This is good.” Obi-Wan took in a deep breath. 

“Ah, that’s… wow. So you weren’t drugged? Cody was concerned you seemed to off for much you actually drank.”

Obi-Wan frowned. Hadn’t that been unexpected? Vision blurring from desert hovel to some nameless Cantina he once visited with Cody. It was so random at first but the continuity since then was almost unsettlingly level. But, then again, Obi-Wan always did have a remarkable talent for self-delusion, didn’t he. He waved away the concerns.

“My substance consumption was entirely deliberate and exactly what I needed. There might be _some…_ unforeseen after-affects, but like I said- I’m not drunk. I’m clear minded and in full control right now and I knowingly accept the current fallout from whatever I took. I _could_ meditate and force purge to completely recenter, but I think it would be far wiser, not to mention more pleasant to just relax and see how long this lasts. I think I’ve earned a little break. Do you disagree?”

Anakin grinned widely. “Whatever you say, Obi-Wan. Just remember this is your idea. Also, I’m taking you to the healers tonight if you’re not completely back to yourself.”

Obi-Wan signed, “If I’m not back to myself in 12 hours, then I fully agree that’s a problem worthy of the halls of healing.”

“Right,” Anakin nodded decisively, “I’ll go get you some water, then comm Cody to tell him you’re still alive.

Obi-Wan smiled weakly in response. This wasn’t just a hashed-up memory; the responsiveness was so much more elaborate than that. He quickly got dressed, hands lingering over soft fabrics and sand-free linens.

Anakin dropped off a cup of water; Obi-Wan sipped at it hesitantly. Dear force, this was dangerously vivid. It actually felt like a relief in his parched mouth. Clearly his subconscious was pulling out all the stops to trap him in this soft delusion. He would have to deal with the thirst and hunger until he woke up- it was probably the firmest link he had to his real body.

He took one last look around before rushing out of his room, eager to take advantage of the time.

Obi-Wan started pulling his boots on and Anakin looked up from his comm alarmed. “Wait, you’re not going out in the temple like this, are you?”

“Of course! I assume Ashoka is in the padawan dorms?”

Anakin frowned. “No…” he replied slowly. “She’s still on Mon Cala, remember? Doing clean-up with the prince?”

“Oh.” Obi-Wan paused. _We did leave her alone during the war far too often, didn’t we…I suppose reconciling my failings with one student must be all my mind can handle._

He cleared his throat and resumed moving. “Well, I want to visit the gardens and the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Not to mention spend some time with a few of the other Jedi. You might be my brother but there were other Jedi that I care for, and dammit I’m going to tell them that.” He finally finished lacing up his left leg and moved to the right. His heart pounded, throat burning with fear as he waited for Anakin to throw the over-casual ‘b-word’ back in his face.

Anakin was dumbstruck, staring at him blankly, a marked improvement over violent shouting.

Obi-Wan stood up and Anakin seemed to reboot.

He rallied, focusing on the first part of that he could wrap his head around, “Wow, wow, _No_. You are _not_ running around the temple drugged so you can, I don’t know, give Mace Windu a hug. I thought when you said you were going to ‘deal with the fallout’ from whatever the kriff you’re still on, you meant you were going to lounge around the quarters all day!”

His former padawan physically blocked the door when Obi-Wan started to leave, sounding vaguely hysterical, “You can’t run around loopy! You’re a High Council Member!”

“Not anymore,” Obi-Wan replied bitterly. 

“What do you mean _not anymore,”_ Anakin said fiercely, grabbing on to his shoulders. “Did they kick you out? Is that why you’re acting crazy? Did you resign?”

Obi-Wan responded by pulling Anakin into a hug, which was immediately returned, “Of course not, don’t be absurd. Fine, I suppose I’m _technically_ still a high council member, it just seems like a bit of a moot point.”

“What the _kark_ does that mean? You used to dream about being on the council! You’re the wisest Master in any of those stupid chairs!”

‘Master of the High Council’ Kenobi just sighed heavily in response. He maneuvered around the confused errant Knight and into the hall. 

“Obi-Wan, wait! At least eat something first! Or let me put my shoes on!”

“Very well, you have one minute to make yourself presentable. I only have a few hours before I’m going to need to get back to reality, and the longer I linger the more I fear extreme measures may be necessary.”

“What does _that_ mean?” Anakin shouted from inside. “ _Extreme measures_ sounds really ominous, you know.”

“I’d rather not get into it, alright? Let’s just enjoy the here-and-now, eh, _ad’ika_?

Anakin crashed out the door with less than a second to spare. “What did you just call me?”

“Ad’ika,” Obi-Wan answered, striding firmly down the hallway in the direction of the hanging gardens. “Surely you must have picked up _some_ Mando’a from the troopers?”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t sure if I heard you right, _bu-_ um _-_ _ori'vod,”_ Anakin fumbled out. Something hard and brittle in Obi-Wan’s heart relaxed. This might be in his head but still…he had to take what he could get.

“Uh, you’re not going to call me that in front of anyone else, right? You do remember that the council already gives us the side eye for over-attachment right?”

Obi-Wan hummed thought fully in responded. “There are far worse things a Jedi could do than admit to affection they already feel. Maybe if I had been honest about my attachments, they wouldn’t have ended the way that…” he trailed off quietly.

“The way that _what,”_ Anakin asked frustrated. “Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m _happy_ that you’re letting go of some of the more stuff Jedi Master stuff but you’re really giving me some emotional whiplash over here, and I’m starting to think that putting off visiting the healers is a stupid idea.

“There are far stupider things a Jedi could do,” he responded cheerily. “Oh look, there’s Plo Koon. MASTER KOON!” He shouted, startling the Kel Doran Jedi.

“Yes, Master Kenobi?” He replied, slightly concerned at the sight of the two human Jedi making a beeline for him.

“I just wanted to say that I consider my former padawan my family. I raised him, I care for him deeply, and I don’t _want_ to let go of those feelings.”

Plo Koon brightened before nodding seriously in response. “I feel just the same about my former padawans, and the Wolffe pack, of course. Denying my attachments isn’t, personally, a practical way to handle them. I’d rather honestly live as an imperfect Jedi than pretend to be a perfect example of the code. If I must have some imbalance, I’d rather it be an excess of compassion than a dearth,” he replied earnestly.

“I always admired that about you,” Obi-Wan replied ruefully. “This might be a little odd, but could I have a hug? I hold you in the highest regard and I’ve realized that there are so many Jedi that I never directly expressed my affection for and…”

Plo Koon didn’t wait for Obi-Wan to finish before wrapping his arms around him. “Of course, dear boy. You’ve had such heavy burdens placed on your shoulders during your life, especially in the last few years; it saddens me to see how deeply they’ve weighed you down. If there’s anything I can do to help, in any way, you simply have to ask.”

Obi-Wan sniffled slightly into Plo’s Shoulder while Plo rubbed soothing circles over his back.

A few passing Jedi gave the embracing Masters uncomfortable looks before hurrying on their way. Anakin stood slack-jawed.

When they finally pulled back, Plo Koon hesitated before finally asking, “I don’t mean to pry, but what brought all this on? I sense profound grief from you, even through your extremely impressive shields.”

“It’s a long story,” Obi-Wan replied, wiping at the corner of his eyes. “I’d rather not get into it.”

“He’s high,” Anakin offered bluntly. “He took something last night and won’t go to the healing halls.”

“Ah,” Plo said. “Is that true?”

Obi-Wan looked a little embarrassed. “I have the situation under control. My connection with reality might be…slightly altered right now, but my emotions, and what I chose to do with them are my own. I’m just, taking advantage of a unique opportunity to express myself.”

Plo Koon seemed to scrutinize him intensely, “If you’re sure this is what you need, than I support you. Just don’t do anything too foolish.” he finally offered.

Obi-Wan beamed. “I appreciate you saying so, I suppose I thought you would be supportive. Farewell, Master Koon”

Obi-Wan offered a respectful bow and then turned to walk away briskly. Before Anakin could follow, Plo rested a claw on his arm. 

“Feel free to comm me if his behavior reaches a point where you think he truly needs a healer. I’m happy to help you drag him there if need be. A little cathartic release isn’t in of itself such a bad thing, but if he starts acting too out of control…”

Anakin nodded in acknowledgment, then ran off to see who else Obi-Wan had throw himself at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I was so chuffed at going over 500 kudos that I decided to try and crank out the edits on the next chapter a little faster as a gesture of thanks, so that's what this this is. Thank you! I'm going to put out the offer to do so for every 500 kudos from now (I was gonna say 100 because every time I see its gone up even a tiny bit I'm like !!!!you!!!like??!!! but i'm very big on setting up overly reasonable productivity expectations for myself, the inexorable passage of time being what it is, you know?). Regardless of extra updates I'm committed to posting every Saturday as long as I have my buffer (so I've got 12 more chapters lined up with reasonable confidence). SOMETIMES extra stuff sneaks in like the entirety of chapter 3 but hahhahhahahsihiafojpkslafj. 
> 
> Anyway I love reading y'alls comments!!


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